I Dated a Robot/Transcript
Credits. Caption: No Humans Were Probed In The Making Of This Episode. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. The Scary Door opening credits roll.]'' Narrator: on TV You're entering a realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter ... The Scary Door. scene on TV shows a man coming out of the casino. Please send a man round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident. :steps out into the road and is hit by a car. He wakes up in a casino in front of a one-armed bandit. He pulls the lever and three bars come up. The machine spews coins out into his lap. He laughs. Smith: TV A casino where I'm winning? That car musta killed me. I must be in heaven! plays again and wins again. A casino where I always win? That's boring. I must really be ... in hell! :bearded man appears at his side. Sebastian Cabot: TV No, Mr. Smith. You're not in heaven or hell. You're on an aeroplane. :pulls a curtain across. Smith looks out the window and sees a gremlin tearing up the wing. Smith: TV There's a gremlin destroying the plane! You've gotta believe me! Sebastian Cabot: TV Why should I believe you? You're Hitler! :holds up a mirror and Smith sees his reflection. Smith: TV No! turns to the seat next to him. Eva Braun! Help me! :takes of her facemask, revealing she is a human-fly. Smith screams. All of the Planet Express staff except Fry sit watching the TV. Bender: Saw it comin'! :Fry. Fry: I just saw something incredibly cool: A big, floating ball that lit up with every colour in the rainbow, plus some new ones that were so beautiful I fell to my knees and cried. Amy: Was it out in front of Discount Shoe Outlet? Fry: Yeah. Amy: They have a college kid wear that to attract customers. Fry: Well I don't care if it was some dork in a costume. For one brief moment I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own. Amy: Big deal! Bender: We all feel like that all the time. You don't hear us gassin' on about it. Fry: How can you people be so blasé? Here you are in the year 3000 or so, yet you just sit around like it's the boring time I came from. Farnsworth: Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome and boy bands roamed the Earth? Fry: Yeah. But now it's the distant future. Why aren't we out doing everything I ever dreamed of? Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot? Farnsworth: No. Why would I know that? Leela: Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do. Fry: sexfully Everything? Leela: Except that. :['''Scene': A space station orbits a big green planet. "Sal's Wrecking Co" is painted on the side.]'' :['''Cut to': Sal's Wrecking Co. Sal straps Fry into a seat.]'' Sal: Sos your fantasies has always been to destroys a planet, huh? Fry: Yeah, what did they ever do for me? :aims a gun at the planet, fires and blows the planet to pieces. He laughs while the others look on with blank expressions. Leela: Wow! The most humdrum activities look almost exciting through your eyes. What should we do next? Fry: I wanna see the edge of the universe! Amy: Ooh! That sounds cool. Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe, but you never do these things till someone comes to visit. :['''Scene': Edge of The Universe. The ship approaches a black/white boundary.]'' Farnsworth: ship There it is! The edge of the universe! :ship cruises towards the edge of space and lands in a parking space. The crew get out and walk to a wall separating space from the whiteness after it. Fry puts some money in some binoculars and looks through them. He sees a Planet Express crew from a parallel cowboy universe wave. He and the others wave back. Fry: Far out! So there's an infinite number of parallel universes? Farnsworth: No, just the two. Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough. Bender: I'm sick of parallel Bender lording his cowboy hat over me! Let's move on to Fry's next fantasy. :['''Scene': Jurassic Kiddie Park. Fry rides a Tyrannosaurus Rex.]'' Fry: shouting Yee-haw! Bow before your master, puny mortals! hoots. Giddy-up! :laughs and cheers. A mother and daughter look on. Girl: Mommy, why is that man like that? Mother: Don't look at him! :dismounts and hops over the wall to the others. Fry: That was fun. Let's give him a treat! :puts 5c in a "Dino-Feed" machine and it dispenses a live pig. He holds it up to the dinosaur. The pig squeals. Leela: Keep your palms flat. :dinosaur gobbles up the pig. Fry laughs. Fry: The tongue tickles. :laughs some more. He pulls his arms down but his hands aren't there. :['''Scene': Outside Hand Crafters. The staff leave the store. Fry's new hands have a slightly darker skin tone.]'' Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break 'em in tonight. Farnsworth: Yes, it's been quite an hour and a half. Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: Be invisible in a chocolate factory and be romantically linked with a celebrity. Bender: I could pound your head till you think that's what happened. :pulls an iron bar out of his chest cabinet. Fry: OK. Leela: Wait, hold on. It is actually possible to meet any celebrity you want. Fry: It is? Leela: Of course! You should read a blimp sometime. :points to a passing blimp advertising downloadable celebrities at nappster.com. Fry: reading Download a celebrity from the Internet? What part of that do I understand? Leela: It's simple. You can download a celebrity's personality and appearance into a blank robot. Fry: Hey, I have an idea. Let's do that! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela and Fry put on the net suits.]'' Farnsworth: Onto the Internet you go! Bender: Oh, and while you're there, pick me up a few credit card numbers. :connects Fry and Leela. :['''Cut to': Internet Browser. Fry and Leela materialize outside pentagon.web, a top secret site which has just been hacked by robbers wearing masks. They walk past oldtrek-vs-newtrek.web where two Trekkies argue.]'' Trekkie #1: No way! Kirk could kick Picard's ass! Trekkie #2: Yeah? At least Picard had the guts to admit he was bald! Trekkie #1: What? You take that back! Fry: Ooh! eBay! :['''Cut to': eBay. The Milky Way galaxy is up for sale.]'' Auctioneer: Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? bangs his gavel. Sold to The Being of Inconceivable Horror. :Being of Inconceivable Horror laughs. The Being of Inconceivable Horror: Will a money order be OK? Auctioneer: Yes. :Being of Inconceivable Horror laughs again. :['''Cut to': Internet Browser.]'' Fry: So where's the celebrity dating place? Leela: Let's search the web. both look around. Leela points. Over there. :and Fry enter nappster.com. :['''Cut to': nappster.com.]'' Salesman: Welcome to Nappster. Let's see what celebrities we've got in stock. image of a celebrity appears in front of him. Can I interest you in Gwyneth Paltrow? Fry: Nah. I read in Newsweek that she drinks human blood. Salesman: Then, uh, how about Cleopatra, whose beauty destroyed mighty empires. Fry: I'd prefer someone from the era of shaved underarms. Do you have anything with more of a Lucy-Liu-feel to it? Salesman: Nah, nothing like that. Though we do have Lucy Liu. gasps. Only woman ever to be named People magazine's sexiest woman of the year twice. In 2003, and then again in 2063. Fry: I'd like the 2003 model. :image of Lucy Liu appears. :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry and Leela take off their net helmets. Fry hoots.]'' Fry: I've found her! What do I do now? Farnsworth: Download her. Let's just put a blank robot in the drive. :lifts a basic robot out of a box of ten and hands it to Fry. Fry puts it in the drive. Lucy Liu is downloaded from the net and she appears on the robot. Fry gasps. Fry: It worked! Liubot: You're one sexy man, voice Philip J. Fry. :leaps into his arms and kisses him. She pushes him to the floor. Fry: muffled It worked perfectly! :Lapse. Fry gawps at the Liubot. Leela: Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu. Are you just going to stare vacantly at her and not say anything? :guffaws. Liubot: I find your slack-jawed stare very attractive, voice Philip J. Fry. Fry: Did you hear that? She likes me! Farnsworth: Well, duh! She's programmed to like you! Fry: But this is Lucy Liu! Perhaps the only good actress of the 21st century! She's more than just a piece of software. Liubot: Would you like to take a moment to register me? Fry: Uh, not right now. Liubot: I'll remind you later, you hot stud, you! Fry: So, uh, what do you feel like doing? Liubot: Would you like to take a moment to register me? Fry: I said later! :['''Scene': Dinkin' Donuts. Fry and the Liubot date. Fry gobbles donuts.]'' Fry: Then when I feel so stuffed I can't eat anymore, I just use the restroom, and then I can eat more. Liubot: You should write a book, Fry. People need to know about the voice can eat more. Fry: Oh, Lucy! You're just like I always thought you'd be from your movies. Liubot: My personality is mathematically derived from my movies, proportionally weighted by box office receipts. :stares blankly then bites into a donut. :['''Montage': Fry and the Liubot date to Wham!'s Love Machine. First they drop steaks into the octopus tank at the Brooklyn Aquarium and the octopus eats it and wiggles it's tentacles around. Next, Fry eats a hotdog while the Liubot runs down a street with him on her shoulders. In the Planet Express lounge, Fry has a toy soldier war. He throws one at a fan and it ricochets in another direction. Liubot dives on Fry and pushes him under the table.]'' :Lapse. Fry and Liubot sit on the couch. Fry: You're cute! Liubot: You're cute! Fry: You! Liubot: You! Fry: You! Liubot: You! Fry: You! :staff watch. Farnsworth: Oh, dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. Well, that's love for you. Bender: Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans! Leela: Bender, this is Fry's decision ... and he made it wrong. So it's time for us to interfere in his life. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela breaks the news to Fry.]'' Leela: She doesn't really love you. She can't. She's just a machine that-- Bender: his fist Stay away from our women! You got metal fever, boy! Metal fever! Fry: Well, so what if I love a robot? It's not hurting anybody. Hermes: My God! He never took middle school hygiene. He never saw the propaganda film. Farnsworth: It's just lucky I keep a copy in the VCR at all times. :[He presses a button and a film title, ''I Dated A Robot!, appears on the screen. In the movie a couple sit in a cafe and stare into each other's eyes. A narrator walks into the scene.]'' Narrator: movie Ordinary human dating. It's enjoyable and it serves an important purpose. turns the table over and a crying baby appears. He turns it back again. But when a human dates an artificial mate, there is no purpose. Only enjoyment. And that leads to ... tragedy. :woman behind him turns into a blank robot and the man downloads a celebrity onto it. Billy: movie Neat-o! A Marilyn Monroe-bot! Monroe-bot: movie Ooh! You're a real dreamboat, voice Billy Everyteen. Narrator: movie Harmless fun? Let's see what happens next. :scene cuts to Billy's bedroom where he kisses the Monroe-bot. His mother walks through the door. Billy's Mom: movie Billy, do you want to walk your dog? Billy: movie No thanks, Mom. I'd rather make out with my Monroe-bot. :his dad. Billy's Dad: movie Billy, do want to get a paper route and earn some extra cash? Billy: movie No thanks, Dad. I'd rather make out with my Monroe-bot. :girl from the cafe, Mavis, walks in. Mavis: movie Billy, do you want to come over tonight? We can make out together. Billy: movie Gee, Mavis, your house is across the street. That's an awfully long way to go for making out. Narrator: movie Did you notice what went wrong in that scene? Ordinarily, Billy would work hard to make money from his paper route. Then he'd use the money to buy dinner for Mavis, thus earning the slim chance to perform the reproductive act. But in a world where teens can date robots, why should he bother? Why should anyone bother? Let's take a look at Billy's planet a year later. scene changes and a foam hand rolls across an empty football field. Where are all the football stars? foam hand drifts across an empty laboratory. And where are the biochemists? scene changes to a split screen of human and robot couples making out on beds. They're trapped! Trapped in a soft, vice-like grip of robot lips. All civilisation was just an effort to impress the opposite sex ... and sometimes the same sex. Now, let's skip forward 80 years into the future. Where is Billy? :scene changes to a post-apocalyptic world. Billy is an aged man but still with his Monroe-bot and still making out with her. Billy: movie Farewell! :dies. Narrator: movie The next day, Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens. fleet of flying saucers destroy buildings with laser shots. Have you guessed the name of Billy's planet? It was Earth. Don't date robots! :"Don't Date Robots!" caption appears on the screen and the movie ends. The Space Pope is displayed on the screen with "Crocodylus Pontiflex" written around him in English and alien. Announcer: in movie Brought to you by the Space Pope. Leela: Did that make any impression on you, Fry? Fry? :turns around and sees Fry and Liubot making out. Liubot giggles. Liubot: Ooh! :holds up another tape. Farnsworth: I knew I should have shown him Electro Gonorrhoea: The Noisy Killer. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits in a chair and impersonates Archie Bunker from All In The Family.]'' Bender: What is the world coming to? That Fry's a sicko poivert, I tell you. Dating a robot! It's an atrosmacy! Leela: But Fry's our friend, Bender. Bender: Aw, jeez, would you stifle there, meatbag? Leela: You stifle, Bender. Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally you're standing up to him. Leela: Although he is completely right. Bender: We've got to stem this tidal wave of moral decay. It's time to shut down nappster.com! :['''Scene': Nappster HQ. Enter Bender, Leela and Zoidberg.]'' Bender: Who's in charge of this dump? Jeff Jervis: up That'd be me. If you're an investor you can dump your money in the hole there. Bender: Listen, you fat Internet nerd. Jeff Jervis: Listening. Bender: Your company promotes wrong love! If you don't shut down right now the only thing wired about you will be your jaw! Jeff Jervis: Y-You can't shut us down. The Internet is about the free exchange and sale of other people's ideas. We've done nothing wrong. :Liu shouts from behind a door marked "Authorized Personnel Only". Liu: from room Help! I'm being held prisoner! Zoidberg: Someone in trouble is! Jeff Jervis: No, stay out! There's a ... guy going for the Tetris world record in there! :covers the door with himself and part of a sign covering the "nappster" sign falls away, revealing that "nappster" is really "kidnappster". Bender pushes Jervis out the way and he, Leela and Zoidberg run in. :['''Cut to': Kidnappster HQ. The room is filled with the heads in jars of such celebrities as Lucy Liu, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Nicole Kidman and George Michael.]'' Kidman: Who are you? Cheech: Don't hurt us! Liu: Help me! They've been holding me prisoner for 800 years. Zoidberg: The real Lucy Liu! The one you can see a movie of in the popcorn stadium. Bender: So what's your problem? Liu: Those sweaty nerds are making illegal copies of us. downloads a copy of her and she fizzles and screams. crying It hurts! :knocks on the door. Jeff Jervis: outside Open this door! Don't make me call the maintenance guy. Bender: It's a bluff! Leela: We can't take that chance. Move, people, move! Michael: Please pick me up before you go-go. Leela: She asked first. :picks up Liu's jar and activates a pressure alarm. She replaces Liu's jar with that of Madeline Albright. Someone downloads her and she screams. :['''Cut to': Nerd's Bedroom. Albright is downloaded onto a blank robot. There is a table and candles in the room.]'' Nerd: Um, are you Lucy Liu? :Albright-bot sees the table and smiles. Albright-bot: Sure! :['''Scene': Outside Nappster HQ. Bender, Leela and Zoidberg climb out of a window with Liu's head and run away.]'' :['''Cut to': Nappster HQ. Jervis and another man watch them on the screen.]'' Jeff Jervis: Oh, we're doomed. They got the head, they uncovered the sign! Soon the whole world will learn we're cyber-criminals. And we would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling adults. Man: We'll stop them. They like Lucy Liu, we'll give them all the Lucy Liu they can handle! Hand me that back-up disk. :puts the disk in the drive and changes the "Liu-Mo-Tron" setting to "Erotic Assassin". :['''Cut to': New New York City Street.]'' Zoidberg: Did you see me escaping? I was all like-- :woops. Liu: Thanks for rescuing me. Especially you, Bender. sexfully Mmm. Quite a masculine piece of metal, aren't you? Bender: Hey! Don't look at me like that. If you're thinking of crossing the line with Bender, you can forget it. Bender don't bend that way. Leela: Hey, look. It's another Lucy Liubot. Liubot #2: voice I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines. :leaps into the air and lands between the four. Zoidberg: Hey, what the-- :kicks him then moves towards Bender and he backs away. She punches him. Liubot #2: voice Take this and that and one of these. :grabs him between her legs and slams him against the pavement. Liu: Hey! Cut it out! I don't need this kind of publicity! :Liubot gets up and moves towards Leela. She kicks her in the face and trips her over. Leela gets up. Leela: Alright, Liu. Time to kick your frosty, well-toned ass! Yah! :kicks her and the two fight. Leela gains the upper hand and kicks the Liubot against a fire hydrant. Bender: Then along came Bender. :turns the fire hydrant on and the Liubot starts to inflate. Zoidberg: Looks like you're retaining water. :snips it with his claws and it explodes. They cheer. Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan before he got all doughy. Bender: Oh, shucks! I wasn't afraid of that robot. I'm pretty brave once you get past my macho exterior! screams. A crowd of Liubots march towards them. It's an army of Lucy Lius! :and Zoidberg scream. Liu: They're horrible! :Liubots flip over cars and kick over mailboxes. Liubots: voices Take this and that and one of these. :Liubot throws a man through a window. Liubot #3: voice Robot crouching tiger. Liubot #4: voice Robot crane style! :chase people down the street. At newsstand, Zapp reads a magazine. Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes! :Liubot grabs him by the throat. Liubot #5: voice Hi-yah. :throws him across the street and he lands in a sewer grate. :['''Scene': Loew's-N-Plex. Fry and his Liubot watch the 2007 classic Charlie's Angels III: The Legend of Charlie's Gold.]'' Fry: This is the best movie I've ever seen. It has a vampire and an explosion! Liubot: It's amazing the way you voice notice two things. Alex: movie No, don't open that coffin! It's ticking! Natalie: movie I have to, Alex. That coffin's not going to open itself. :coffin opens itself and a vampire sits up. Vampire: movie Bleurh! :explodes. Fry and Liubot make out. Enter Bender, Leela, Zoidberg and Lucy Liu. Liu: Let's hide in here. It'll add to my box office gross. Leela: Fry? Fry: Aw, you guys came to watch me make out! That is so sweet. notices Liu and gasps. Wait a minute! Is that the head of who I think it's of? Liu: Read the jar, Evelyn Wood! Dr. Z? :clacks. Leela: Fry, a herd of Lucy Liu are destroying the city. Is yours acting normally? Fry: Let me see. kisses her. Yep. Why do you ask? Alex: movie Mr. Mayor, if you want to see a real vampire, look in the mirror! Mayor: movie I can't! I'm a vampire! :Liubots march through the screen and the audience screams. The Liubots knocks a few people over, rip up some chairs and batter people with them. One hits Zoidberg with a chair and he screams. Zoidberg: Why? Leela: And Nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody. Fry: shouting Quick! This way! :all run to the projector room. The Liubots follow. :['''Cut to': Corridor. Fry turns around to the Liubots and indicates a sign.]'' Fry: Sorry, ladies. Employees only. :Liubot eats the sign and Fry screams and runs up the stairs. They run after him. He runs into the projector room and closes the door behind him. :['''Cut to': Projector Room.]'' Leela: Oh, no. They're forming a human pyramid ... of robots. :Liubots climb on each other. Bender: Damnit! We weren't counting on them being as smart as they are sexy! Liu: A dangerous mistake to make. :presses a button and a door opens, revealing a huge bag of popcorn behind it. Zoidberg: At least we've got food. Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, cut open that bag! Zoidberg: Hooray! Leela: And don't eat it. :groans and cuts the bag. He is knocked over by the high pressure popcorn that shoots out of it. The popcorn flies out the window and knocks over the pyramid of Liubots. Liubot #2: voice Ow! Liubot #3: voice System overload! Liubot #4: voice Error! Liubot #5: voice Does not compute. :popcorn submerges the Liubots and everyone cheers. Zoidberg: Life was bad but now it's good forever! :Liubots eat their way out of the popcorn and spit the kernels at the projector room like machine gun fire. Everyone screams and ducks. Bender: You'll be safe in here, sweetheart. opens his chest cabinet and takes out another head. Get lost, Pavarotti! :throws the head over his shoulder and puts Liu's head in. Fry: Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I love you as much as a man can love a computerised image of gorgeous celebrity. Which it turns out is a lot. Liubot: Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon and the stars and the voice poetic image number 37 not found. :stands up and the popcorn hits her. She walks towards the window. Fry: What are you doing, darling? Get down! :Liubot points the projector at the other Liubots. They starts to swell up. Liubot #3: voice Light hot. Oil temperature rising. Liubot #4: voice Oh, no. Liubot #5: voice Malfunction. Liubot #6: voice This ain't good. Liubot #7: voice System error. :explode. Fry's Liubot flickers on the floor. Fry: You saved us. Are you alright? Liubot: Yes, my love. I'll be just voice massive corn clog in port seven. Liu: Are you the last copy of me? Liubot: Yes. Liu: Erase her, Fry. Fry: What? No! Liu: Fry, when you downloaded her without my permission, you stole my image, and in the end that's all I really have. That and the largest gold nugget in the world, one mile in diameter. Fry: But I just downloaded her because I love you. Liu: If you love the real Lucy Liu and not just what you've seen in movies, genre-straddling lawyer shows and kiss-ass articles in People magazine, you'll blank out that robot. :well up in Fry's eyes. The Liubot flickers. Fry: I'm sorry. Hug me, Liubot. :does. Fry reaches behind her hair and presses the "erase" button. Liubot: I'll always remember you, Fry-- voice Memory deleted. :image flickers away, leaving a battered blank robot. Bender: I know it hurts, buddy. But at least you're not in a sick relationship with a robot anymore. Fry: Uh-huh. And I guess now maybe I can get to know the real Lucy Liu. Bender: Pft! Yeah, at our wedding! Liu: It's true. Bender and I are in love. Fry: But, but-- Bender: Don't be a prude, Fry! :kisses Liu's jar while Fry looks on, eyes twitching. :Credits. Category:Season Three Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts